Malini

By Pavarna TA

I wish they could love me less. I wish they could care less. I wish to know how their love and care affect me. Until now, I never knew how love and care will affect one’s freedom. While raising Karthik and Meera I loved them limitlessly, or before even I name them. Even when Raghav came into my life as a stranger, I loved him limitlessly.  But now when they return it I feel like they are ignoring me. They started to care for my health than my soul. How could they be so loving and yet so blind toward my soul?

I know what dementia is, I know one day I will forget about everything even about myself, but I have not forgotten till now. I still know which bus to take to go to town, which are all the pills I need to take, to cure my arthritis, which are all the ingredients needed to add to Rasam, their birthdays, anniversaries. I know all of that. I know these are all floating as clouds that are going to evaporate and disappear forever. But I still remember these things. I wish they could look at themselves and see what they are doing.

Raghavan, please be with me at least this time. I feel strangled by all the care you are showering me all of a sudden. Remember I was the one who always remembered to take your pills properly up until I was diagnosed with dementia. 

Karthik and Meera, I don’t need any explanation to know how busy you are. I would have been happy if you could call at least once a week. But when you show a sudden care, it frightens me, am I going to die soon? 

I still don’t know how to prepare myself for this forgetfulness. I am just trying to understand, trying to accept this when one day when I wake up and look to the side I won’t be able to recognize him. I don’t know how can I even forget him and have a life. It is going to be hard even to accept. But you guys are already making it hard by treating me differently. 

I don’t want this love, I don’t need this care. I wish you could love me any less, care me any less.

In the afternoon, she just found out

She was in front of the mirror half naked trying to drape her sari. She has been struggling to take the fleets properly. Something is missing, the fleets do not look good and they bulge when they are tucked in her underskrit. It has been testing her patience and with that, her muthani kept falling off her shoulder which irritated her the most.

Fed up she grabbed her sari from the chest and tossed it out. She took a moment to at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red and wet. The anger turned into some sort of helplessness. The tears started to roll down. She wept, silently because she did not want to grab the attention of Raghavan who was scrolling through his phone.

It was Sunday afternoon, and the kudumbasree meetings were held at this time. When she was taking money from Raghavan’s purse from the side of their bed, she found an envelope placed under his pillow. She opened it. It was some kind of report of tests. 

It said,

Patient name: Malini Thekketh 

Age: 58 

Sex: Female

She continued reading the report, it might be about the sugar level or the BP, but it showed some kind of brain images, she did not understand any of them, flipped the pages, and the last page shook her. It said the patient had been diagnosed with Dementia.

Dementia, what is that, she thought to herself. She tried to google. It was taught by his grandson Appu when he came for the last Onam. She took her phone and typed Dementia referring to spelling from the report.

She read the Google search result 

Dementia is not a specific disease but is rather a general term for the impaired ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interfere with everyday activities. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type of dementia. Though dementia mostly affects older adults, it is not a part of normal aging.

She did not completely understand what was it about. But one word struck her attention, the word  Alzheimer’s disease. Those two words went straight into her eyes to the brain and 

Struck in the cerebrum.

The pain originated from the brain, now when she tried to look at her mirror, she felt dubious of herself. Is she forgetting everything, is her brain going to fail to store these thoughts, is it just going to vanish memories? 

Is she will be on her deathbed, not able to recognize her people, or will she die in a confused state? How will she live forgetting everything? How can I even trust myself when I forget things?

All these thoughts populated her aching brain, tears rolling down and staring into herself half naked.

“Mali” Raghavan called her. “Kumari is here, she is calling to for the meeting” 

Malini wiped her tears, corrected her throat,” Tell her that I won’t be able to come, my head is aching”

She tried so hard to hide her sore throat.

She heard the sound of the gate closing, Kumari must have left. She changed her into a maxi and lay down on the bed pressing her cheeks against her pillow. 

Her brain started to populate thoughts that she would eventually be going to forget anyway.

My Coffee

“Maa, your coffee,” Karthik whispered, attempting to rouse her gently.

Malini slowly opened her eyes, staring at Karthik with puffiness in her gaze. “Maa, coffee,” he reiterated softly.

However, her expression remained unchanged. Doubt began to creep into his thoughts. “Maa, this is Karthik, your son,” he uttered, breaking the silence.

“I know who you are, stupid,” she exploded from her position on the bed, causing him to flinch. “Everyone thinks I’ve forgotten everything. Everyone treats me like I’m a fool,” she mumbled as she rose from the bed, securing her hair into a bun.

“Maa, it’s just your coffee.”

“Oh, you thought I had forgotten how to make my cup of coffee? Is that why you’re helping your mother?” she retorted, marching towards the bathroom.

Karthik sat silently by her bedside, watching her. She washed her face and, just as she was about to leave the room, paused, sighed, and approached Karthik. As a symbol of apology, she took a cup of coffee and sipped.

“How many spoons of sugar did you put?” she questioned.

“Two spoonsful,” he replied, anticipating her reaction. He already regretted fetching the coffee for her.

Without saying a word, she placed the cup on the side table and exited the room.

Karthik sat there for a moment, sighing. “Maa,” he called after her, trailing his mother to the kitchen.

Malini was preparing her coffee, with milk boiling on the stove. 

“I’m just trying to look after you. Why are you angry about that?”

“Karthik, go, do your things,” she replied, displaying an unusual boldness. She had always been a soft-spoken, loving mother.

“Maa.”

She stared into him and said nothing. “Maa, tell me”

“Your care is not helping me, can’t you see that? It terrifies me to the core.”

“But, I love you. We love you.”

“Karthi, I know that, but it’s weird when you show it all of a sudden.”

“You think we started to care about you all of a sudden? Till then, we never lo—”

“Karthi, you were always there. Is this how you used to be with me, making coffee, coming to temples?”

“It’s because you’re sick, can’t you understand?” His tone began to change.

“Because I’m sick, ONLY because I’m SICK,” tears rolled down her cheeks, and she continued, “I know I’m sick, I know I’ll forget things, but I don’t want—”

“Maa.” He grabbed her hand and attempted to hug her, but she resisted.

“It feels so strange,” she sank onto the floor, sliding against the wall in despair. The milk on the gas stove lost its heat.

“Don’t love me because I’m sick. Don’t do that to me. I just want to feel normal. At least I will forget the forgetfulness. Try to love me less, dear.”

Karthik crouched down on the ground and hugged Malini. This time she didn’t resist. She hugged him back tightly.

“Please don’t make coffee for me.”

And Then They Adapt

The clock struck 1:25. Raghavan, seated on the veranda, yawned in the easy chair. He pressed his legs against the floor to hoist his entire body from the chair.

“Ah,” he stretched and ambled toward the kitchen, placing his phone atop the fridge. Bowls covered with plates were near the stove. He picked them up one by one and set them on the stove to heat.

He gazed into the curry, waiting for it to boil. Leaning against the kitchen shelf, he observed the calendars moving with the wind, the hum of the tube light, his dirt-filled nails, and then his engagement ring, inscribed with “Malini” in running italics.

“Malini,” he smiled to himself.

The gate made a sound, and he glanced out the kitchen window to see who it was. Headed toward the door.

“You could have taken an umbrella,” Raghavan said, opening the grills for Malini.

“It’s okay. Kumari was with me and she had one.” Malini replied.

“I forgot to take the bill with me. I don’t know where I placed it.”

“I know. It was on the TV stand. You might have put it there when you were looking for a pen.”

“Yeah, what’s that smell?” She sniffed. “Anything on the stove?” She asked doubtfully, walking toward the kitchen. She saw the boiling curry and reached her hand to turn it off.

“Oh, I forgot. I just placed it on the stove.” Raghavan said following her.

“We’re now even, it’s okay.”

“Oh no no, it was five – two in the morning when you left. So, it is your turn to make coffee.”

“Don’t fool me.”

“Check the board then.”

Malini stood next to the calendar. It said five – two.

“I don’t trust you, let me check the photo.”

“What photo?”

“Oh, I just took a photo of the board in the morning.”

He frowned.

“I just started taking photos of things that I think I might forget.”

She checked her phone, holding it in her left hand, and tapped on the application with her right index finger.

“Karthik was the one who told me this. It’s very helpful.”

“So you don’t trust me?” He asked mockingly.

“Yeah, but I think I can use the advantage of being a Dementia patient.”

She laughed, and he joined her too.

“Yeah, it was 5 – 2, and now it is 6 – 3,” she said, looking at her phone.

“You better learn to make coffee for yourself before I forget that,” she said.

“Oooh, let’s see.” He changed the numbers to 6 – 3, and Malini took a photo of that.

By Pavarna TA