By Deepti Belliappa Ganapathy
Deep in the heart, much was hidden I know,
The losses of loved ones, I was unable to let go.
Life went on, swiped to the next phase we saw,
I was told I had not mourned enough, moving on with no option to withdraw.
A medical lapse did change everything for me,
A small injection felt like suffering till eternity.
An apology seemed so easy for them to say,
The torture and helplessness was my own life play.
It was not just the body that was broken,
The mind had reached its darkness, nothing comforting could be spoken.
The unclear medical advice, the beeps in the OT had scarred,
Changing medications and groaning patients is the trauma on the memory card.
The fear in the eyes of my loved one, unsure of my journey ahead,
Almost being an absent mother to my kids had wound my head.
I had seen confusion in my toddlers' eyes,
Had I broken her before building a self-defining individual, the heart cries.
I silently looked down and hoped to be free,
It was an undeniable feeling, almost filled with lost glee.
It was oddly scary to think I felt this cheer,
Of ending it all, as the heart was not here.
That sinking feeling and loss to every emotion I know,
It's a gripping sadness, disconnected from all, hard to show.
In a world of pretence, the facade bears the smile,
But the mind and heart are away by many a mile.
The free fall gave that escape I yearn,
It stayed with me at every moment on the balcony in turn.
The pain and helplessness had taken every ounce of fight I had,
Giving up seemed like the only answer to my heart so sad!
Something with my children shook me up,
I realised the reset was needed and not give up.
Losing myself to the unknown was not an option here,
I had to start a conversation with myself and seek my own cure.
The mind saw the fight as worthy of care,
It needed my might and all the help in my share.
Ending it all seemed like the perfect escape I thought,
The depth of the struggle is beyond anything we are taught.
It's not a weak person, who chooses this route,
It's the helplessness of the mind and body that finds a respite in this dispute.
The timely help, ears to listen without advice and judgement,
A mammoth task for the human temperament!
I am now braver to smile,
Sailing life with an evolved perspective at every mile!
I am strong but dependant on my emotions for sure,
Not regretful for the choices I make, which I must adhere.
I am a dreamer of relationships, traveller by heart.
I seize time for myself and am never guilty of this life chart.
Tears have kept me real; laughter gives me the high,
Learning from my yesterday and looking forward to life without a sigh.
This is not a story of surviving through having nothing in the hand,
Instead it's the struggle of staying on the surface when the mind drowns in nothingness to understand.
For some, being on the edge, this struggle is trivial and odd,
But to step back was worth defining without feeling flawed.
By Deepti Belliappa Ganapathy
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