Internal Climate

By Nidhi W. Pednekar

Climate doesn’t only have to change environmentally to cause destruction. Even internal changes in climate can cause widespread destruction. Kai was having the worst time. It was his own birthday party, and his anxiety was through the roof. He was the most popular boy at school, but once puberty hit, he became extremely socially conscious and shy. He still remained popular, but he preferred time alone, without crowds. However, birthday parties meant lots of people, and that’s how it was for his party as well. With crowds came more anxiety.

The guests started pouring in one by one and Kai found it harder and harder to breathe. He had a secret, which he had to hide from everyone. Being popular meant that almost half of the school had come over for his party, which was suffocating. People from the football team greeted him with a pat on the back and shoved gifts into his hands. The girls from the art club, who obviously liked him, nervously whispered, “Happy Birthday,” and walked past. Finally, the last one to arrive, after all the other guests, was Kai’s best friend, Ishan. The minute his eyes landed on Kai’s, he smiled knowingly, for he knew of Kai’s anxiety. 

Music filled the background, people swaying to it and Kai’s parents sat in their bedroom being careful not to disturb the guests. As Kai walked around, as if he were a ghost, he remembered all the memories of the past year. Happily joining the football team, becoming one of the best players, winning his first game and then the mid-term examinations which followed, which was, perhaps, the start of it all. The mathematics test, which used to be his highest scoring test, was the one in which Kai had failed miserably. He had overestimated himself and had only paid attention to his football games, thinking that he was good at Mathematics and could score well without studying much. He was a topper before, but after failing just one exam, he was dragged down. His grades in all subjects started to decline. His football practices also started getting affected, leading in an ankle sprain. He hadn’t played football since, even though his ankle was better now. He blamed himself and his ankle sprain for helping the school lose the trophy for an important football match, although no one else blamed him. His mental health started degrading bit by bit. He felt like he was chasing something all his life but now, he was being chased by something. Anxiety, Stress, Depression, and so much more. He was breaking. Soon, he would be broken into a million pieces, and no one would be able to mend him. And he had to hide this secret from everyone.

Kai was feeling more stifled as the party progressed. He wanted to escape it all. His past, his regrets, himself… He gazed around like he was seeing it all for the first time, like he wanted to take it all in, like a mental photograph to carry with him forever. He wanted to take a snapshot of his life, which in spite of falling apart was of a popular boys who seemed to have it all, who looked like he had a lovely life. He felt sorry for his parents, for his best friend, to have known and been close to such a useless person. He didn’t deserve such amazing people. He needed them, but he thought they didn’t need a failure like himself. He walked through the people dancing, where one of the football team members tried to pull him to join the dance. He shook his head and walked out into the open yard to take a breath of fresh air. He could see the ocean past his backyard. Slowly, he began walking in its direction, to end it all.

Ishan was calmly drinking juice when he noticed a paper, a yellow one, on the fridge. He skimmed through it and gasped. “The boy who has it all wants to end it all. I’m sorry, but I need to  end it. I can’t…,” it said. Ishan threw the paper and sprinted up into Kai’s room. He knew his handwriting. There was no sign of him in the room. He ran out into the yard, thinking how it was almost as if Kai wanted someone to save him. He had put the note in the most visible place, where people always visited, after all. His glance landed on a figure heading toward the ocean. He ran until he reached his friend and shook him out of his trance. Upon seeing Ishan, Kai burst into tears as Ishan whispered promises of helping him and of rushing him to a therapist. As he did so, he thought how a change in a person’s mental environment or climate can lead to such disastrous consequences. 

By Nidhi W. Pednekar