High on Love

By Navin

I will roam this world, and not expect anything in return

I shall then wait for the time

For me to get back to my dimension

And I do mean it when I say

I love you

I’m standing on the shore, seeing the sea water engulf both my feet momentarily and

then letting go. I clench my toes, digging into the wet sand whenever they are covered by

water. My hands inside my chino's pockets, my slightly oversized shirt flutters due to the

loud breeze. Felix, a few steps behind, hangs up his phone and approaches me.

“They're okay, I just checked,” he says, “We don’t know how long this is gonna go for

though.”

“Yeah... it’s fine. We’ll be okay here. It’ll be fine,” I reassure him.

Felix then pats me, and stands beside. I start feeling a little overwhelmed. I want to turn

and just glare at him, but I can’t. It’s been going on like this ever since I came here. I need

to do something to play it cool. Ah yes, I brought my cigarettes. I take one out and place it

between my lips. Felix sees that and chuckles. I catch him doing so in the corner of my

eyes. Maybe not now. I carefully put the cigarette back into its pack. It’s the golden hour,

and we can see the sky slowly show a different colour as the Sun patiently moves down to

meet the horizon. A soft orange tint spreads across the vastness, which the clouds copy

too. The clouds even proceed to hide the Sun. It’s beautiful.

“Hey, Nash, this scene is just amazing. Right?” Felix exclaims.

“Yeah, man!” I reply.

Wait, I can capture this! I start running to his house, to grab my camera and the tripod.

Felix shouts, “Where are you going?”

“To get the camera!”

“Then, take the keys! Here!”

I halt promptly and turn around. Felix pulls out the house keys out of his pocket and

throws it towards me. I catch it and show a thumbs up before I start running again. I need

to be quick and take a few shots of that serene beauty of a sunset before it vanishes. As I

enter Felix's house, I pace to the guest room where all my things are. I've been staying at

this place for about a week and I'm still not familiar with its rooms; his house is massive.

Finally, I've gotten my equipment. I jog back to the seashore behind the house. Felix is

seated a few metres away from the shoreline, using his phone.

“Hey, bro! I'm here!” I call out to him.

He gets up and brushes sand off his shorts. I set the tripod and fit the camera on it. I

adjust the ISO and the shutter speed to be able to take the perfect shots of the sunset. I

set the focus point and click a few shots. Felix has positioned himself at a distance as he

watches me do what I do. The waves peak above which add allure to the stunning

photographs. The wind gets a little stronger and I'm worried about sand getting on the

camera lens.

“Nash, bro, you think we could take a few clicks of me? With the sunset background? Just

a few photos?” Felix asks.

I bend up away from the tripod and face him. Felix stands there smiling. This is what I

wanted from you, man. Finally, you're into it!

“Yeah, yeah, of course! I was thinking about that too. Let's do it! I'll film you, that'd be

better. I'll tell you how to pose.” I reply.

We only have a little time. The Sun and the sky won't wait for us. Therefore, I quickly get

to work. I want to use this opportunity to better my photography and camera handling

skills, and also to impress Felix. As I instruct him on how to pose, I film him. Two close up

shots of the back of his head as silhouettes, and a few mid-level shots. The pale orange sky

turns dark, and I manage to capture the setting with Felix as the subject.

He has such a perfect lean structure. From his jawline to his neck and his chest and arms.

He can't grow a beard but I can, which he envies. But, he doesn't know that's what I adore.

I make him slowly stroll over the shoreline as I film that too. The wind seems to be doing

us a favour; Felix’s dyed brown hair outline shines from the sunlight, and sways from

being smooth and thick. This cannot be staged more than nature can. I replay the shots

on the camera, and I can't help but admire how manly and photogenic Felix is. Man, you

keep mesmerising me... Felix!

Felix rushes to me, eager to see the shots I've taken. He has his hands on his hips, leaning

over my shoulder, waiting for me to show him the shots. I keep glancing at him as he gets

shy and excited, seeing himself pose, stand and walk like a professional model.

“Yo... Nash, bro... Bro!! This is too good, man!” He gushes, “You- you are gonna become

big! You're so good, Nash!”

Oh my God, I love it so much when you talk to me this way!

“Yeah, thanks, I mean, it's you mostly. You're lucky to be this photogenic. In this scenario,

playing it candidly. You did amazing!” I say, “I'll edit these and show you, it'll be way

better.”

A few hours pass, and we're getting ready to eat dinner. Felix is cooking some Maggi

noodles for the both of us. I'm just watching the news on the TV. It's all about Covid. How

many people are affected, how many have passed away, curfew timings, police patrol, etc.

At times like this when millions of people are suffering, I'd say I'm lucky to be staying at a

place like this, also with Felix. This is a huge win. A Jackpot.

“Bro... turn off the news, man. It's all the same. Let's watch a movie or something,” Felix

suggests.

“Okay, what movie?”

“We can watch one of those movies you keep talking about, hm?”

“Ah yes... okay, we'll watch Brokeback Mountain.”

Is this really happening? It took an entire week for this to happen?

Felix is always eager to learn acting. He wants to become an actor. We met in college as

we took the same course; Visual Communication. I've always wanted to become a

renowned cinematographer, and Felix, as I mentioned before, wanted to be an actor. After

we graduated, we hadn't been able to keep in touch that much, even though we worked

so hard for our final year project. At that time we decided to work together after

graduation. I joined as an assistant cinematographer with Mr. Varma for a film they're

working on. We've been working on pre-production over the last year. Just when we

began production, Covid broke out. I came to crash at Felix's place for a few days as I had

to shoot some time-lapse clips of sunsets and sunrises around here. Felix had asked me

before if I could help him get a chance to act in the film I’m working on, so I told him we

could do a few test shoots for me to try and recommend him to my seniors. However,

because of the lockdown, I had to stay at his place indefinitely. Felix lives with his parents

but they went to Cuddalore for a marriage and they too got stuck there.

“You know, one of your favourite actors, Heath Ledger, has acted in this movie,” I tell

Felix.

“Woah, Heath Ledger? The Joker?” Felix gets surprised.

“Yeah! Jake Gyllenhaal too.”

“Man, this is amazing. What's the story about?”

“I'm not gonna tell you, haha. Watch and you'll know.”

He’s an open-minded person. I’m sure he’ll like this movie. The movie starts playing, and

I keep glancing at Felix to see his reaction. I can’t expect vivid expressions from him; this

isn’t an action movie. I’ve watched this film numerous times. Apart from the plot, I really

like the cinematic elements that really stand out in this movie. About 30 minutes into the

movie, I stop wanting to see Felix’s reactions and get immersed in the movie. Oh no. It’s

going to happen. They two are going to kiss. I’m too scared to look at Felix. I freeze on the

sofa, and clasp my hands tight between my knees. That scene just prolongs.

“Man, what is this?? This can’t be real! Nash, are you seeing this?” Felix yells.

At this moment, I feel defeated. I close my eyes and sigh for a quick second. I turn to him

and shrug.

“Haha, yeah... their acting is nice, though. Not just them, you know, making out. It will get

interesting soon. Just watch.” I try to convince him.

Felix still has the look of disgust plastered on his face, and I try to wait patiently for him

to snap out of his narrow-minded behaviour and continue watching. Well, Anne

Hathaway comes later on in the movie.

The next two hours fill me with pure agony. I can’t even move the slightest, afraid that

Felix might lose it. It isn’t just one scene where the two men behave that way; there are

multiple occurrences. Perhaps, after seeing Heath Ledger act a character like the Joker,

watching the same man act gay sets one off like this. Especially someone like Felix. I

thought you wanted to become an actor, not a homophobic. Maybe it’s just a cultural

thing. We don’t have much exposure and freedom showcasing or even talking about our

sexualities. Finally, the credits start rolling.

“The noodles were nice?” Felix asks me.

“Yeah, yeah. This was nice. What about the movie?” I ask.

“Uh... it was okay, not my preferred genre though.”

What is your preferred genre then? Genre of a psychopath killing mercilessly?

I slowly get up and walk to the kitchen where Felix already is. He’s washing the dishes;

there are quite a lot. I feel a sudden warm rush as I near him by the sink. I lean forward to

place my plate next to the sink. As I do so, I can smell his hair, and my thighs push

against him slightly. Two seconds. Not even two. I snap out of it and step back. Felix turns

around and looks at me. He then smiles.

“So, off to bed?” I ask.

“Yeah, I feel pretty tired, sleepy,” he replies.

“I’ll close the terrace door later. Keep it open. I’ll spend some time there before I sleep.” I

request him.

Felix nods and continues washing the dishes. I slowly walk up to the terrace. This is my

third time up here. It's really spacious here and they've done a great job setting up a

decent terrace garden here. It's on the west side though, facing the sea, so it’s dark. I sit on

the small bench here and take out my pack of cigarettes. It's been a while actually, this

smoke better be good.

At times like this; nice cold late night breeze and minimal lighting around me and as I'm

having a smoke, I like to think about something. Something important. But, right now, all

I can think about is him. He's such a gem, honestly. I never imagined I'd find a friend like

him. Felix is a package of everything I've wished for. I just need to get him to be my

boyfriend. But how am I gonna do that? I can say he's changed a lot from the times we

hung out during college. That was 5 years ago. Well, 5 years ago, I wasn't even confident

about myself or my sexuality, to be honest. Maybe that's the reason. I can't keep being like

this, I need to do something. Soon.

I can be sitting like this, staring at the night sky with stars absent. I may see one or two.

But I need someone by my side. Sitting close to me, and their hand over my shoulder. I

want to lean on them, rest my head on their shoulders. If it is the dusk sky rather than the

pitch dark midnight sky, it will be better. Even better it will be if Felix is here. I can

imagine him with me. Even though he’s not here, I can smell his scent. It’s become a part

of my memory. He is a really intellectual and sensible person, with a heart of gold too.

And he knows how to present himself, and dress up. I like it when he wears shorts and

sits down, his visible thigh resting on the chair, so attractive. I can go on and on about

him, all night long. I don’t need to say it out loud. I can just keep fantasizing about him,

or write it down. I hope he knows that love is an understatement for how I feel about him.

The night goes by swiftly as I enjoy a nice deep sleep. I wake up at around 10am the next

day and go down to see Felix. He’s settled on his sofa, using his phone. I want to greet

him good morning, but something feels wrong; I get a little nervous. I feel a stutter and

my left knee throbs a little. I don’t know what’s going on. I skip down the stairs and I

almost slip. My reflexes help me grab the hand rail to balance. Felix notices that and gets

up.

“Hey, morning Nash!” He greets me.

I just smile and wave at him. Then I make my way to the kitchen. I want to make coffee,

black. So, I search for the mug I’ve been using ever since I got here. I can’t find it. I start

opening and closing all the shelfs, drawers and everything to find the mug. Why is this

happening to me? I’m too tired for this.

“Need any help, Nash?” I hear him call from the living room.

“Uh, no. Actually, yeah. I can’t find the mug. The coffee mug,” I say.

I stand leaning forward on the kitchen table, staring at the shining area on the shelf door.

I can hear Felix walking towards me. I relax myself and turn around to see him. Felix’s

body scent sets me off again. I don’t want to get turned on in the morning itself. I swear,

Felix is not human. He goes to the big metal basket where a lot of dishes have been

washed and kept there. He digs into it and pulls out the mug, at last.

“I did all the dishes, haha!” Felix laughs.

I smile back again, and proceed to make the strongest black coffee ever to start my day off

with an overdose of caffeine and nicotine. Alright, let me do some editing.

I like to edit but I don’t consider myself as a good editor. My editing skills are average,

but some of my work is pretty great. I start editing the visuals of Felix I had shot the

previous day. I feel like a teenager who is embracing his adolescence as he crushes over a

celebrity, making edits of her and fantasizing about her. For me, it’s Felix. Obviously. I

make sure the cuts and transitions are perfectly synced with the audio; I’m using the

music Sunset Lover by Petit Biscuit. I do some subtle colour grading and reduce the

sharpness of the clips. I export the video, it falls just short of a minute. I replay the video a

couple of times. I think I’ve done a decent job. No, it’s actually excellent. I need to show

this to Felix.

“Felix, my man! You need to see this!” I call him.

There’s no response, so I call again a little louder.

“What? Wait, I’m coming,” I hear him now.

Felix climbs up the stairs and enters the room. I’m seated on the bed with my laptop on a

pillow resting on my lap. I signal him to come and sit next to me. He rolls over the bed

and settles beside me. That scent again... oh, Felix... I show him the video that I’ve edited.

He leans in a little more and fixes his sight on my laptop screen; his ears touch my face

and I get to smell his silky hair. I can also feel his breaths below my neck, and I’m trying

so hard to keep it in control. This guy’s making me crazy. I keep my gaze locked on his

face, anticipating his excited expressions. Felix is thoroughly enjoying the video. He grins

and I can tell he’s trying to control his blushing. I like it when you smile but I love it when

I’m the reason.

“Dude, Nash! This- this is amazing!! This does not look like me, I'm not this good. You...

you are something else man! I love this!” Felix exclaims.

“This is you. I've only done simple editing. I told you yesterday, you are a gifted

photogenic. That's why I'm cra-” I stop there.

I almost slipped there. No, no, no. I cough to play it off.

“Ahem, yeah, that's why this video works. Yeah.”

“Yeah, man. Send this to me, I'll post it on Instagram!” He requests.

“Of course, tag me though. We can do more of these shoots, if you're interested.” I suggest.

“Let's do it, yeah! I'm ready, c'mon.”

“We can do one at your terrace garden? We can take some nice shots there, the lighting

should be nice at this time.”

“At the garden? What am I, gay?” Felix laughs.

That hit right in me. You did not just say that. No, take it back. I stare at him with a

straight face. He doesn't feel that what he said was insensitive. I'm the one who has to play

along. I let out a sigh with a slight smile. I turn to my laptop and go on to send him the

video.

“We can do some acting shoots then? You can act out some scenarios. What do you say?” I

ask.

“Woah, acting? Acting... okay. Hm...” Felix hesitates.

“Just simple ones, you don't have to go overboard. Just stay in your comfort zone. It'll be

alright.” I tell him.

It really hurts me when the person I dearly adore, that I have a high impression and

respect for, behaves completely crass and crude. Those words really hit me hard. I don’t

want to think of Felix that way. It’s just a momentary thing for why he said that. Felix was

totally different in college. All I remember about him was his humour, charisma, his

fashion sense, and spending wonderful time with him. Well, not just him, there were

other boys too. But all I wanted, all I remember, is him. Only him. He can come down, I

know he’s not really like this. Maybe he’s just confused. He’ll understand.

My heart is literally addicted to you.

We begin doing those test shoots. They are so horrendous that I don’t even want to talk

about it. As I was fixing the camera, and looking up acting sessions and practice on the

internet, Felix decides to put on some really dapper clothes like he’s going for a date. I

don’t mind that much because this is just a test shoot. I instruct him on the scenario for

him to act it out. We do a number of them. First, we focus on an angry scenario. It doesn’t

work out. Next, a scenario where he needs to act really stressed. It doesn’t work out either.

Sad, happy, crying, fear, extreme joy, pain. None of them work out. You say you want to

act but you don’t even try. I try to be patient with him. I mean, I’m just the cameraman.

But, I know how to handle the set, talents, and other workers. I’ve not been an assistant

cinematographer this long for nothing. I can tell Felix is getting frustrated too, because of

me constantly telling him to redo. I want to think that he knows this isn’t working out,

and he shouldn’t blame me.

“Felix... I don’t think this can work out,” I tell him.

“Man... I mean... I don’t know...” Felix sighs, dejected.

“You need to speak up, Felix. The camera’s not picking up the audio, and we don’t even

have any microphone.” I inform him.

“Let’s- let’s just pause this for now, I can’t- I can’t do it now.”

I’m back on the terrace, again. It’s the golden hour again and I feel good being in another

chain smoking session with music playing from my phone. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed

Peas is playing. The sky is doing wonders again. The view from up here is way better than

from the beach. I feel like I’m closer to the heavenly beings up there. I want to capture

this moment, this divine scenery, but I don’t want to get up. So, I take pictures using my

phone. The camera doesn’t matter, it’s who’s behind it that matters. I click a few and go

ahead to post them on Instagram. I get a notification that I’ve been tagged on a post. It’s

Felix’s post; he has posted that video I edited. I like the post and share it in my story. I

also happen to have a few unopened messages. They’re from the production team group

chat. They’re discussing the possibility of compromising on some scenes to be shot on

green screen. I scroll down the messages, and I hear someone behind me. It’s Felix. I close

my phone and get up.

“Do you want to drink tonight? I have an unopened bottle of Whiskey. Johnnie Walker.

What do you say?” he asks.

I start feeling a surge of excitement.

“Yeah! Of course!” I answer, trying to hide my hyperness.

Felix shows a thumbs up and leaves the terrace. I take a long drag of the last cigarette

before I punch it into the ashtray. The song comes to an end, and just like the lyrics, I got

a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night.

I take a nice warm shower after I get down. I’m really in love with the bathroom. It's big

but not too classy; I wish to have a bathroom like that in my house. I come out to the

living room, and I find Felix on a call with someone. He spots me too and waves. He

signals me to follow him; he’s still on the phone. I follow him to the kitchen, and he opens

a drawer to show me the bottle of Whiskey. I take it out and have a look. Felix grabs two

glasses and a plate. He hands them to me so that he can grab some snacks. He finally

hangs up the phone.

“Let’s get drunk!”

We’re a little over half the bottle drunk. We run out of chips, but neither of us wants to

get up. We talk about many different things. It’s always during these times we get to be so

abstract about everything. Our drinking speed declines.

“Do you think I need acting classes?” Felix asks me.

I can barely think straight, and he asks me this.

“Uh... maybe. It’ll help you, a lot,” I reply.

“Or can you refer my name to any casting agency you know? I can even try acting for ads

or short films,” Felix adds, “I mean, how did we even pull off that final year project with

me acting like this? Haha!”

I just nod, more than the normal amount. Again, some silence and more drinking. I feel

my ears getting blocked and I try to yawn hoping to stretch my ears open. Yup, I’ve had

too much. That’s when I notice Felix dozing off on the sofa. The bottle’s finished.

“Felix, bro, c’mon. Go to your room and sleep...” I slur as I approach an almost passed out

Felix.

I lift him up and Felix struggles to stand. It’s not like I’m perfectly steady either; I want to

pass out too. I drag him up the stairs and head into his room. He goes on to lay on his

bed, but he pulls me with him. I’m now on top of Felix. I get up a little and find him

staring into my eyes. He’s awake. I’m awake. Our faces are so close to each other. My

hands, pressing on his shoulders, decide to run into his shirt. I caress his back and make

my way up his neck and hair. I can feel Felix press his thumbs on my hips and then have

his hands glide over my lower back. He whispers my name, and now I no longer have to

hide it. I’m free now. This is the moment.

Even though I've fantasized doing so many things with Felix, I've never expected this to

happen. I didn't want this to begin, and now that it has, I don't want it to end. No matter

how much time I spend with you, I always end up wanting more.

There is such low light but I can still see Felix’s face, admiring his masculinity. I press

myself on him even more. He shifts his caressing to my face, my beard. I lean forward. He

pushes his neck forward as he’s underneath me. I anticipate the moment. The moment to

kiss. I want this kiss to be tender, sensual and prolonged. I catch him blink a few times

before radiating a soft smile. The moon from outside the window shares light on us as my

heart plays a fast rhythm. I’m losing my breath. It’s time. We finally kiss. Being really high

and having such an intimate moment, I feel like I’m floating; like Felix and I are slowly

lifting from the bed as we continue to kiss. Goosebumps all over me. This is all I wanted.

Don’t wake me now.

I’m... High on Love.

The morning after. I feel toasty, half awake on Felix’s bed. It takes me a while to realise

I’m completely naked under the sheets. Lying on my stomach with half my face sunk into

the pillow, I stretch my hand to find Felix on the other side of the bed. He’s not there. I

want to doze for a little longer but the drool on my cheeks wakes me up. I quickly get

dressed and leave the room. Where is Felix? I slowly make my way to the terrace to have a

smoke. So,this is how it feels like... to have lost my virginity...

I want to find Felix, and talk about what happened the previous night. It wasn’t a dream

or fantasy. It really happened. And I wanted it to happen. I patrol the rooms looking for

Felix. I head out to the varanda and spot Felix sitting there. My mind is racing, calculating

all possibilities of what is about to unfold. I stand still staring at Felix’s back. I even try to

control my breathing, but Felix hears me. He hastily gets up to face me. He rushes to me,

then shoves me.

“What is your problem? Huh?! Why’d you do that??” He bellows.

I’m dumbfounded, having no clue what to say.

“Are you gay? Tell me! Are you GAY?!”

“Felix, I- I...”

“Don’t say my name! I’m not like that, I’m not like you! You- you’re so disgusting and

horrible and- and disgusting...” Felix starts crying.

I start feeling guilty and heavy seeing him like this. I had not anticipated this and

everything feels unsettling. The delusion wears off and the sudden hit of clarity sets in.

“Felix, bro, c’mon...” I want to reason.

“Bro? Bro?! You call me ‘bro’ and you do this?!” He retaliates.

“Sor- sorry, man... I’m sorry...”

“No! You’re not sorry, look at your face!”

“We were drunk last night! So-”

“So? That justifies what you did? Huh?!”

“You were in it too! You gave me the signs!”

“SHUT UP! Shut up! Just- shut up!”

Felix begins to cry heavily. He covers his face and sobs uncontrollably. It takes me a few

seconds to muster up some courage to approach and console him. He leans to me and I

hold and pat him. He’s still crying. Felix suddenly gets off and glares at me. Heavy

breathing, biting his teeth, tears all over his face. I have no idea what to do right now.

“You- you are the worst! I hate you... I despise you! Go and jump off from the terrace or

something!!” Felix shouts.

He gets physically irritated and starts pulling at his shirt. He groans while he does that,

and tears his shirt a little. He stumbles to the tap nearby and turns it on. Felix positions

himself underneath the tap to get himself wet, still crying. Felix plops onto the ground

and continues crying, the water running on his feet. I’m still standing at the exact same

spot, speechless.

“GET AWAY!!” I hear him shout for the last time.

Only the sounds of the disappointed wind and the tap water running remain. Along with

Felix, I feel the plants around us staring at me. I walk back into the house burdened with

shame and guilt. The once pleasant smell of the house now seems to avoid me. My

stomach feels heavy, no more butterflies in there. I don’t want to look around the house. I

slowly get up the stairs again; I don’t use the handrail this time. I’m back on the terrace,

and I notice the gay garden. This time I take my time to look at the plants one by one.

What makes you all gay? I don’t understand.

I then lie down there and just stare at the sky above. Just staring. I begin contemplating

everything, from the start. From the moment I got here till now. Everything feels like a

blur. I can’t think of anything, it’s all dark like the shutter hasn’t been opened long

enough. I hadn’t let enough light in. I can feel the heat from the terrace tiles, it starts to

burn. But I don’t move. Not a flinch.

I never thought I’d become like this let alone find someone like you

I took the world to be a lot kinder and passionate, but it’s not

Maybe, I’m from a different dimension

And I got lost in this one

Many have told me I’m really over myself

I never took that as a censure

I like being all over myself

I like dreaming, and fantasizing about you and me

Just you and me

But I realise, today, that’s not the case

You call it gay when a man like you can find relief in crying

I should not have done that, I know, and I’m sorry

I will roam this world, and not expect anything in return

I shall then wait for the time

For me to get back to my dimension

And I do mean it when I say

I love you

Nothing feels the same anymore. I’m not liking this. Now, I’ve forgotten how to behave

like a normal human being; dysfunctional. Especially when he’s around. I know he wants

me out of his house, and I won’t lie, that’s what I want too. It’s going to be extremely

disconcerting for both of us. I let each minute, each hour, and each day pass by me as if

it’s all fine and good for me. I don’t even want to leave my room, because I’m scared I

might trigger him again. At first, I felt angry for how he reacted, but now I realize it’s not

him. Well, it’s not me either but whatever. I used to defend him, in my mind, whenever he

said something insensitive; like a small justification. He never knew. Now I’m thinking

how can you not care that your words make me cry? But I’m not crying, yet. I wonder

what he thinks of me, the words that haven’t come out of his mouth. I’m not

promiscuous, never will be. I will not submit to him; I won’t give him that pleasure. More

of catharsis than pleasure, for me. It will never happen. What isn’t healed will repeat.

I want to say everything hurts, but honestly, that’s not the case. I feel numb. I feel like a

corpse whenever I feel his presence. I start letting the cigarette burn my finger, leaving a

mark there. The wind hates me, she blows off the ash off my ashtray. I guess the skies too

have decided to hurt me. They don’t show off their beautiful colours anymore; all pale

and bleak. Who else is left for me to disappoint? I sit on the toilet, letting the shower run.

I prolong my contemplation sitting there, the shower sound seems like white noise and

my legs start to get numb. This will never end because I wanted this, remember?

I’m back at the seashore. Just me here. It’s low tide, but I refuse to go forward. The sea

might be disappointed in me too, so I won’t disturb her. I wish this is a video game, so I

could load a previous save and play with different choices. Wishful thinking. It’s been

days, and the same heavy and suffocating feeling is all over me. I’m letting it hurt me too

much. But I deserve it. The breeze gets louder, making my shirt flutter. I take a deep

breath. I look up and hold my right hand up. I tuck my thumb into my palm followed by

the rest of the fingers; I call for help. Please save me.

The irony of pain is that you want to be comforted by who hurt you.

By Navin