By Bhavitha Matta
The street was dark. I insisted on walking her home, and I’m glad that I did, because this area doesn’t seem safe. I also had something to say to her. But it just won’t come out. It’s like there’s a lump in my throat. I can’t say it, I can’t say it, I can’t say it. But I should. I’ve been way too obvious that I have feelings for her, and she noticed. I feel it. I can’t keep this to myself anymore. If I keep it a secret a second longer, I don’t know if I can breathe. We reach her house, and she looked back at me and waved goodbye.
Ahh, whatever, it’s now or never.
“I want to tell you something.” It comes out of my mouth like a breath of nervousness. “Okay, say it.” She says as nonchalantly as she possibly can.
I gathered all the courage I could muster, and from where it came from, I don’t know, but with this courage, I said, “I really tried to avoid it and ignore it or bury it away, but I realised that I can’t do it.”
“…”
“I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time now.”
Silence follows. Oh no. Silence is a bad sign. Or maybe It isn’t? I don’t know anymore.
“How long?” she says softly. There’s always a subtle hint of a smile on her face, always. And it’s gone now.
“Three years? I don’t know… honestly, I can’t even seem to recall the exact moment I fell in love with you. Maybe it was the way you smiled at my joke on the first day of work, or the way that you listen to me like there is no one else in the world, or maybe it’s the way I cannot, and will not, let sadness sit in your eyes for too long, but God help me, I’m in love with you!” ok great, now I’m blabbering.
Her eyes go wide with surprise. She looks… fucking beautiful. How can she look so beautiful in every emotion? She looks up at me and I can see her eyelashes. Long, long eyelashes.
“Wow…. I,I don’t know what to say….” she sighed.
Uh-oh.
I stand still, and for a moment, there is nothing around me, only us two. There is nothing but her in my world right now. In this very moment, she is my gravity, the force that pulls me in and makes me grounded. She’s my anchor, and her next few words will tell me how wonderful or horrible the next few days of my life will be.
“I’m really sorry, but I’ve always thought of you as a friend. Nothing more than that. I can see that you really like me, but I don’t think I can ever look at you the same way you look at me.”
Why am I even surprised? I’ve always known it. She doesn’t look at me in that way. In a romantic way. I can see it in her eyes. But my heart still rips into a million pieces. I feel shattered.
“No, don’t cry!”, was I crying? I took my hands to my eyes. Oh. I am crying. God, could I be more embarrassing??
“I’m sorry, I really am. But I would only hurt you more if I give you hope in the name of doubt. Because I’m sure that my feelings for you will never be romantic.”
…. Well, when you give a reasonable explanation like that, it hurts more. It would’ve been better if she said “oops, sorry, I don’t like you!”, it would give me a reason to hate her a little because I could
think that she wasn’t the person I thought she was, and I could move on. But the fact the she is being considerate of me even in this situation…. Makes me love her more. God, I feel pathetic.
“Yeah, ok.”
“You will find your person soon. And then you’ll forget all about me, ok?” Oh, she looks gorgeous in under the yellow shade of the street lights. I’m insane.
“Yeah.”
I should probably talk. Something that’s other than ‘yeah’ or ‘okay’, but the words just don’t come to me. I think it, I feel it, but there is this lump in my throat. And it seems that all the reasonable words are caught in that lump. If I open my mouth now, I’ll probably utter nonsense.
So, I told her goodbye. With what strength, I don’t know. But I’m grateful I had that strength. I started walking back to the bus stop, and I never looked back. Did she go inside her home? I wanted to check, but I can’t look back. I’d love her again if I see her again.
By Bhavitha Matta
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